18.12.06
2.12.06
25.11.06
Random
The sky is black
and tainted with sorrow.
A fatal warning-
the sun will not rise for me tomorrow.
and tainted with sorrow.
A fatal warning-
the sun will not rise for me tomorrow.
22.11.06
Comparing Depression to Drowning...:S
Going through depression is like fighting the waves, trying to get back to shore. They crash over you, overwhelming painful events, sending you careening down, into the depths. The cold waters suck at your energy, draining away any will to kick back to the surface. Suddenly, there's a break in the cruel buffeting of the waves. Your head breaks free, a deep breath filling your lungs. For a brief second, you have energy, you feel alive, and you see shore. But just as you see the end to this torment, an escape, another wave crashes down on you, and you're pushed back down into darkness again.
21.11.06
About all the poems:
All the poems I posted today were either updated with edits, or taken out of my previously un-posted file and thrown out here. I didn't write them all today, though I wish I was that fluent with writing. :)
-Andrea
-Andrea
Rain
Ever since that day
Every time I see the rain
I love it just that much more.
How it cascaded
Suddenly poured down
Upon us, making the seal between our hands something more.
How much “goodbye” was awkward
With the unspoken want of which that we both knew.
How it was sudden,
So beautifully reckless,
And just how much you smiled afterwards.
The pride,
That certain glee...
And the wonderful afterglow that kept me smiling for an hour.
*for you
Every time I see the rain
I love it just that much more.
How it cascaded
Suddenly poured down
Upon us, making the seal between our hands something more.
How much “goodbye” was awkward
With the unspoken want of which that we both knew.
How it was sudden,
So beautifully reckless,
And just how much you smiled afterwards.
The pride,
That certain glee...
And the wonderful afterglow that kept me smiling for an hour.
*for you
Smeph's Letter + My Reply
I miss talking to you
maybe you do too
I have not felt the need to cry so often, for so long
I want to be happy again
please don’t stay mad at me
you’re in complete control of this
I don’t want to hear all this silence anymore.
but it’s your choice
You and I need to talk
There is still so much to say
the crime I have
committed was to protect you
I knew you’d get mad
at us, at this
even if I told you straight out, after it happened
you’d still be mad...
I broke a promise, a big one, and you feel you cannot forgive it
It’s okay, I get it.
and if you want me out and gone
of your life...I think I could understand.
I know that this is a huge deal to you
But please, your lectures are carving wounds, deep and hard,
And all I want now is to be free of this ache.
maybe you do too
I have not felt the need to cry so often, for so long
I want to be happy again
please don’t stay mad at me
you’re in complete control of this
I don’t want to hear all this silence anymore.
but it’s your choice
You and I need to talk
There is still so much to say
the crime I have
committed was to protect you
I knew you’d get mad
at us, at this
even if I told you straight out, after it happened
you’d still be mad...
I broke a promise, a big one, and you feel you cannot forgive it
It’s okay, I get it.
and if you want me out and gone
of your life...I think I could understand.
I know that this is a huge deal to you
But please, your lectures are carving wounds, deep and hard,
And all I want now is to be free of this ache.
All I Need
10 cuts, and I’ll be beautiful.
10 more, I’ll be smart.
50 later, and I’ll be thin.
100 cuts and you’ll love me.
1000 blood droplets,
Staining my floor,
And I’ll be caught.
10 more, I’ll be smart.
50 later, and I’ll be thin.
100 cuts and you’ll love me.
1000 blood droplets,
Staining my floor,
And I’ll be caught.
Burgundy
love of blood
love at first sight
tiny, crystalline balls
roll down
and
away
red velvet
slides down my limb
one more stroke,
one more slash
and consider me gone.
floating away
on a sea
of red
red warmth...
red velvet in liquid form.
love at first sight
tiny, crystalline balls
roll down
and
away
red velvet
slides down my limb
one more stroke,
one more slash
and consider me gone.
floating away
on a sea
of red
red warmth...
red velvet in liquid form.
You're Away
Tell me exactly who
I should run to
Confide in
When the one I used to
Has gone away.
Who do I run to
With my girlish secrets
With all my foolish cares
With all my budding hopes?
Whose ear do I whisper softly in
About romance?
First kisses?
Teenage crushes?
Whose arms will envelope me
When life suddenly becomes too much to bear?
I should run to
Confide in
When the one I used to
Has gone away.
Who do I run to
With my girlish secrets
With all my foolish cares
With all my budding hopes?
Whose ear do I whisper softly in
About romance?
First kisses?
Teenage crushes?
Whose arms will envelope me
When life suddenly becomes too much to bear?
And Through...'til Autumn
Leaves will fall,
Temperatures will drop,
The winter coats will be put on,
And, eventually, winter will have to come.
But for the time being,
Enjoy autumn.
Go to the park,
Stroll through,
Watch and see,
And be awed by the beauty.
Go to the park.
Where...
Lips will smile,
Cheeks will flush in crisp air,
Throats will talk,
And hands will hold another.
Nod with agreement,
Understand,
And wonder
Why you never realized that...
That smile makes a stranger happy,
That flush brings back childhood memories,
That talk describes a beautiful autumn,
And that touch makes you smile.
Go home,
Survive winter,
Spring,
Summer...
End up back at autumn,
And smile to yourself,
Before you head out
For a lovely stroll in the park.
Temperatures will drop,
The winter coats will be put on,
And, eventually, winter will have to come.
But for the time being,
Enjoy autumn.
Go to the park,
Stroll through,
Watch and see,
And be awed by the beauty.
Go to the park.
Where...
Lips will smile,
Cheeks will flush in crisp air,
Throats will talk,
And hands will hold another.
Nod with agreement,
Understand,
And wonder
Why you never realized that...
That smile makes a stranger happy,
That flush brings back childhood memories,
That talk describes a beautiful autumn,
And that touch makes you smile.
Go home,
Survive winter,
Spring,
Summer...
End up back at autumn,
And smile to yourself,
Before you head out
For a lovely stroll in the park.
Sweet Suicide
Hey beautiful baby
permit me one last
final goodbye:
I can't imagine
not seeing you
for a hundred eternities.
I'll miss you, sweet thing,
you know I will
and you know how much too.
..how every day I would miss you,
not hearing your voice
not seeing your face
not feeling your touch
or tasting your butterfly kisses.
I miss you already.
I miss you..
permit me one last
final goodbye:
I can't imagine
not seeing you
for a hundred eternities.
I'll miss you, sweet thing,
you know I will
and you know how much too.
..how every day I would miss you,
not hearing your voice
not seeing your face
not feeling your touch
or tasting your butterfly kisses.
I miss you already.
I miss you..
Heartbreak
..seeing the one you love
with someone else
...remembering that last kiss
with its sudden end
...speaking those harsh words
and actually never meaning them
...knowing what you should say
but holding it in
with someone else
...remembering that last kiss
with its sudden end
...speaking those harsh words
and actually never meaning them
...knowing what you should say
but holding it in
20.11.06
Growing Up
do you remember
when sixteen was ages away
and the allure
of that old chest,
filled with frilly hand-me-downs
wasn't something to be ashamed of?
do you remember
when you looked up to the 'big girls'
and when
lacey underwear
wasn't known to us?
do you remember
the bliss of no drama,
when boys had cooties,
and you would run through dandelion fields
away from them?
do you remember
when you didn't care
what you wore or how you looked
so long as it didn't keep you from being outside?
do you remember
the innocence of your childhood?
do you remember
the joy, the friends and all the skinned knees?
do you remember?
will you remember?
can you remember?
when sixteen was ages away
and the allure
of that old chest,
filled with frilly hand-me-downs
wasn't something to be ashamed of?
do you remember
when you looked up to the 'big girls'
and when
lacey underwear
wasn't known to us?
do you remember
the bliss of no drama,
when boys had cooties,
and you would run through dandelion fields
away from them?
do you remember
when you didn't care
what you wore or how you looked
so long as it didn't keep you from being outside?
do you remember
the innocence of your childhood?
do you remember
the joy, the friends and all the skinned knees?
do you remember?
will you remember?
can you remember?
________me_________
Carving in my mistakes
Screaming out all my secrets
With a thousand different voices
Combined in a deadly chorus
That sinks in deep
Bleeding into my bones
And twists my thoughts
Screaming out all my secrets
With a thousand different voices
Combined in a deadly chorus
That sinks in deep
Bleeding into my bones
And twists my thoughts
14.11.06
Deep Thoughts
may you never know what you have done
whose heart you have broken
whose dreams you have crushed
whose wings you have clipped
*Thanks to someone for telling me that they <3ed this poem. Made my day.
whose heart you have broken
whose dreams you have crushed
whose wings you have clipped
*Thanks to someone for telling me that they <3ed this poem. Made my day.
24.10.06
My Beginning with You
excuse me while I fall in love with you.
oh, pardon me, forgive my lies, they only make you happy.
oh, pardon me, forgive my lies, they only make you happy.
14.7.06
Through My Mind
silent racking sobs.
bittersweet sacrifices
all for a lost cause.
tiny shimmering tears
as large as any pain
as small as any hope.
flickerings of taunting thoughts:
little girls
playing with empty pill bottles
little boys
with bloody knives.
dark shapes in the mirror.
behind; the past
never in front; the beloved future
old chests
with newly concealed secrets
and a new place
for a lie as old as time.
captivated by a world
so beautiful
just because...
it’s that much worse than my own.
bittersweet sacrifices
all for a lost cause.
tiny shimmering tears
as large as any pain
as small as any hope.
flickerings of taunting thoughts:
little girls
playing with empty pill bottles
little boys
with bloody knives.
dark shapes in the mirror.
behind; the past
never in front; the beloved future
old chests
with newly concealed secrets
and a new place
for a lie as old as time.
captivated by a world
so beautiful
just because...
it’s that much worse than my own.
[Unfinished] TA
She rocked slowly back and forth, holding him as close as she could. His torso and head rested on her lap, his features relaxed and calm. She brushed the tangled hair out of his eyes. Her thumb rubbed away the tears that had fallen onto his cheeks. It didn’t do any good. Where there had once been tears, there now lay blood. Bright and brilliant, too happily gleaming away in the afternoon sun. She swallowed, feeling sick.
Cradling his head to her chest, she traced the lines of his mouth and around his eyes. He had such tired eyes...sad puppy eyes. She tooks one of his hands in hers and squeezed, out of old habit. He didn’t squeeze back. She released the pressure on the lifeless thing, and it slowly slipped out of her hand. It hit the grass with a muffled thud. It landed palm up, the fingers pale and curled inward. She gagged quietly and turned away, covering her mouth with her hand.
His wrists were slashed open; jagged cuts where smooth flesh had once been. The cuts were deeps and gaping. When she had first looked over the body, she could see where the artery had been severed. There were large black clots, both in his wrists and on the once green grass. The surrounding grass had been stained a deep burgundy.
Large tears began to fall again on his face. She watched, through tear blurred eyes, for him to flinch. For him to laugh and reassure her that everything was okay. For him to get up. She pleaded with him silently to get up...[unfinished]
Cradling his head to her chest, she traced the lines of his mouth and around his eyes. He had such tired eyes...sad puppy eyes. She tooks one of his hands in hers and squeezed, out of old habit. He didn’t squeeze back. She released the pressure on the lifeless thing, and it slowly slipped out of her hand. It hit the grass with a muffled thud. It landed palm up, the fingers pale and curled inward. She gagged quietly and turned away, covering her mouth with her hand.
His wrists were slashed open; jagged cuts where smooth flesh had once been. The cuts were deeps and gaping. When she had first looked over the body, she could see where the artery had been severed. There were large black clots, both in his wrists and on the once green grass. The surrounding grass had been stained a deep burgundy.
Large tears began to fall again on his face. She watched, through tear blurred eyes, for him to flinch. For him to laugh and reassure her that everything was okay. For him to get up. She pleaded with him silently to get up...[unfinished]
19.3.06
Christopher
My blood is all over your hands.
It has stained everything else.
For an eternity, I will be scrubbing.
Washing away the rusty stains.
They're everywhere; you can't deny it.
You fucked up bad.
And you took me down with you.
You bastard.
It has stained everything else.
For an eternity, I will be scrubbing.
Washing away the rusty stains.
They're everywhere; you can't deny it.
You fucked up bad.
And you took me down with you.
You bastard.
On Grade 9
She smiled hesitantly, shifting in the leather chair. As she looked down, her mass of curly hair concealed her face, hiding the emotion that threatened to escape. She looked back up and swallowed, preparing to talk again.
"It was all so long ago...and yet it's still affecting me. I think it's getting better now; I can talk to people about it...he...he really got inside my head. It's not so bad, that part at least...it's just, he...he really enjoyed fucking with me. With my head. He had me so that I would listen to what he had to say..."
She swallowed again, examining her shoe. She rubbed the pair of sneakers together nervously before talking again.
"He made me feel guilty for not being able to handle his problems, ontop of mine. I couldn't talk to him; that would make him feel worse. He was the troubled one; he needed to be protected! I...I actually though about it all in that way...he's very skilled at manipulation."
She chewed at her lip and smiled sheepishly.
"Now I've lost my train of thought...was...was I trying to make a point? I think...I was just rambling...I...I, uh, tend to do that...um, that a lot."
She smoothed a few non-existent wrinkles from her jeans. She looked up and smiled weakly, suddenly appearing frail and meek. Her eyes seemed to shift colours; from hazel to an iridescent green. Her face was pale, with large eyes that seemed to grow even larger. Her shoulders drooped as she began again, her voice quiet.
"He hurt me deliberately too. He'll only acknowledge that fact though, if we're fighting at the time. He likes to remind me who's in control...he knew exactly what he was doing. Oh, but he'll deny it, saying he didn't realize what...I guess I mean how...how they hurt me. His words. He would teach me his...his "lessons". He broke down my self esteem; called me a liar and a coward. I was a coward because I hid from the truth."
She smiled bitterly.
"It was always his truth. That I should listen to his problems and console him, no matter what. It would've worked perfectly, had I not had that opinions I did. They saved me. They were the only thing that kept me from relying on him completely. God knows why; he only ever was incredibly cruel...but..but there were times, and how he would try...we used to talk. When I first met him I suppose. You could say that we were close...hell, I had loved him at one point. A sweet, pure, absolutely blind love. I agreed with him on most thing, and made it very clear. I boosted his confidence, nurtured it...all I was doing was feeding a huge ego. It's sickening. He used me, someone used to trusting her elders and he used me! As a friend, as a lover...all because I knew how to bring him out of the gloom and make him feel good!"
She heard a pop and looked down in surprise. Her hands had been wringing themselves into a tangled mess. They had just succeeded in cracking her thumb knuckle. She shook her hand, testing the thumb, before laying them both placidly on her lap. She smiled, and this time it reached her eyes, hardening them. It was the beginning of her final statement.
"He hurt me. Deep. I won't ever forget, and most likely, ever forgive. I hate him for everything he's done. I hate the bastard! I'm just glad I can talk about it now, and not feel guilty. It's not my fault that I have problems too, and that I need to talk about them sometimes..."
She smiled again, cold and clipped.
"You know, I only ever stayed with him because I was so afraid of him taking his own life. In the form of suicide. He'd thought about it before, and he made sure that I knew that. He'd said a couple times that he'd die without me in his life. It was endearing until I actually sat down and thought about it. But I could only handle so much. Right? So I left. And look! I've left him, I'm gone, I'm out of his life. And what a surprise. He's still alive."
She got up and shook my hand, before walking out the door.
"I just hope that other people in this god damn world realize this. No one can oppress you, or control your life. Unless you let them."
"It was all so long ago...and yet it's still affecting me. I think it's getting better now; I can talk to people about it...he...he really got inside my head. It's not so bad, that part at least...it's just, he...he really enjoyed fucking with me. With my head. He had me so that I would listen to what he had to say..."
She swallowed again, examining her shoe. She rubbed the pair of sneakers together nervously before talking again.
"He made me feel guilty for not being able to handle his problems, ontop of mine. I couldn't talk to him; that would make him feel worse. He was the troubled one; he needed to be protected! I...I actually though about it all in that way...he's very skilled at manipulation."
She chewed at her lip and smiled sheepishly.
"Now I've lost my train of thought...was...was I trying to make a point? I think...I was just rambling...I...I, uh, tend to do that...um, that a lot."
She smoothed a few non-existent wrinkles from her jeans. She looked up and smiled weakly, suddenly appearing frail and meek. Her eyes seemed to shift colours; from hazel to an iridescent green. Her face was pale, with large eyes that seemed to grow even larger. Her shoulders drooped as she began again, her voice quiet.
"He hurt me deliberately too. He'll only acknowledge that fact though, if we're fighting at the time. He likes to remind me who's in control...he knew exactly what he was doing. Oh, but he'll deny it, saying he didn't realize what...I guess I mean how...how they hurt me. His words. He would teach me his...his "lessons". He broke down my self esteem; called me a liar and a coward. I was a coward because I hid from the truth."
She smiled bitterly.
"It was always his truth. That I should listen to his problems and console him, no matter what. It would've worked perfectly, had I not had that opinions I did. They saved me. They were the only thing that kept me from relying on him completely. God knows why; he only ever was incredibly cruel...but..but there were times, and how he would try...we used to talk. When I first met him I suppose. You could say that we were close...hell, I had loved him at one point. A sweet, pure, absolutely blind love. I agreed with him on most thing, and made it very clear. I boosted his confidence, nurtured it...all I was doing was feeding a huge ego. It's sickening. He used me, someone used to trusting her elders and he used me! As a friend, as a lover...all because I knew how to bring him out of the gloom and make him feel good!"
She heard a pop and looked down in surprise. Her hands had been wringing themselves into a tangled mess. They had just succeeded in cracking her thumb knuckle. She shook her hand, testing the thumb, before laying them both placidly on her lap. She smiled, and this time it reached her eyes, hardening them. It was the beginning of her final statement.
"He hurt me. Deep. I won't ever forget, and most likely, ever forgive. I hate him for everything he's done. I hate the bastard! I'm just glad I can talk about it now, and not feel guilty. It's not my fault that I have problems too, and that I need to talk about them sometimes..."
She smiled again, cold and clipped.
"You know, I only ever stayed with him because I was so afraid of him taking his own life. In the form of suicide. He'd thought about it before, and he made sure that I knew that. He'd said a couple times that he'd die without me in his life. It was endearing until I actually sat down and thought about it. But I could only handle so much. Right? So I left. And look! I've left him, I'm gone, I'm out of his life. And what a surprise. He's still alive."
She got up and shook my hand, before walking out the door.
"I just hope that other people in this god damn world realize this. No one can oppress you, or control your life. Unless you let them."
6.3.06
friend?
a friend,
i suppose you wouldn't have been this angry.
a good friend,
and you would've tried to talk to me.
a best friend,
you wouldn't be ignoring me.
the friend i thought you were,
and you would've forgiven me, after talking to me.
you would've realized that you can't ignore me.
and you most definitely would have accepted it
and maybe even had the guts
to tell me
what you thought...to my face.
i suppose you wouldn't have been this angry.
a good friend,
and you would've tried to talk to me.
a best friend,
you wouldn't be ignoring me.
the friend i thought you were,
and you would've forgiven me, after talking to me.
you would've realized that you can't ignore me.
and you most definitely would have accepted it
and maybe even had the guts
to tell me
what you thought...to my face.
Sweet Betrayals
o lovely harsh words
cut me up
inside
and as the blood leaks,
in great, fat drops,
in a crystal clear form.
o wonderful betrayals
turn those who were trusted
against me
let the pain come
and overwhelm
allow it to rule my life again.
o succlent agony
show me
through the dark
who are the ones who actually
will be there
for me
no matter what the choices
i choose to take.
cut me up
inside
and as the blood leaks,
in great, fat drops,
in a crystal clear form.
o wonderful betrayals
turn those who were trusted
against me
let the pain come
and overwhelm
allow it to rule my life again.
o succlent agony
show me
through the dark
who are the ones who actually
will be there
for me
no matter what the choices
i choose to take.
9.2.06
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