I forgot what it was like to feel a chunk of your heart missing - it hurts

you're tugging at heart strings
that are out of tune

I'll take bets if you're willing

Welcome back heartbeat. 
Let's race.

I have this disease called self destruction and it rips me up in the most delicious way

you're my favourite brand of poison
I can't wait for my next dose
let me use you
and I'll let you use me in your own way

'tis but a flesh wound love

don't worry
my pain is a small one
something that barely marred the surface
brought too little blood to spill
it is easily healed
a kiss
whisper of sympathy
I can live with the sting
that won't leave me
until the scab forms

disorganized

out everything of order is
noth
in
g
is w
hole
s                  cat
             te re                               d
what woulds
what ifs
and forevers that I want to swat away

Couple of the Bus Stop

with your heads so close
you'd think you two were in love
but I saw him glance at the legs walking past
and you kept your chin down
too far

simply sublime

suns burning on your shirt
into your chest
starting a cough that promises a forever
searing your throat
telling the world its triumph through a new rumble

Spoons

I love the shine of your words
I wait for the tarnish
I pray that it doesn't come
but I forget if the specks of forgetting
need wiping or not

The icecream queen is dripping delicious...stop her!!

I wonder
if the relationships
day dreamings and nightmares
were just a dark chocolate way
to learn
what I didn't know
to know

Such a girl we are

sorry if I sound sappy,
but the hole in your ceiling is growing a heart
and I'm starting to believe
it had to come from somewhere

I love the truth, especially when it stings

no matter what shade of happy
robin egg-shells leave scratches

It's time for the future. It's time for him.

this is where I let it go.
painful because they were so happy,
tarnished because of what we lost,
the memories we shared have been polished
by tears wiped away by a caring callous.

and I keep catching whiffs that make me miss you

midnight breakdowns: why aren't I used to you yet?

just get out of my head
you pain
out with you
damn spot
spots everywhere
tear drops
blood drops
sweat drops
things drop
when you drop them
things break
when you drop them
you never dropped my heart
but god dammit
you fucking dropped the ball

Dreams can't compare

if staying up
means more time with you
diagnose me with insomnia and be done with it

recovery from ridiculous romance

you know -
it only works if there's a little spark
to start my eyes smouldering under heavy lids

so what's it like?

really fast sadness

but at least the days fly by
and you'll get to a happier time faster
or at least beat 'em to the end.

this is what it's like

it's looking through the keyhole,
and turning the lock with a careless thought.
tripping over the first step inside,
the journey begins when there's no ground to hit,
no gravity to make you fall,
but the downward spiral happens just the same.
it's a waking nightmare
and a sleeping daydream
in which you'll dream too slow,
wake up too fast,
and remember too much
to remember it all.

one night stands are not a good plan

i hate our song
because
you don't even know it's ours.

it's just a rush of endorphins with no human connection

shivers down my spine
skin prickled at the thought of touches
from you
cold hands down my rib cage
under my chin
across my neck
my teeth on my lips
I'm getting too good at pretending
and I'm getting sick of this substitute.
I crave the real thing
and I'll have you
the next time I snap my fingers,
you'll come running like the puppy you are
and we'll make more memories for my fantasies...

dear wicked queen, I'd like to carve her heart out too

the mirror has become my magic mirror on the wall

and it turns out
there are fairer out there
that are worth leaving me for

Highschool Sweethearts

It's hard to pretend
that the memories we shared don't exist anymore.
I wish I wouldn't smile at songs we danced to,
but I do.
I wish I wouldn't cry at songs where your eyes told me how much you loved me,
but I do.
The littlest things remind me
of what we had
(of what we lost)
and sometimes, I find myself missing your laugh.
I know that I didn't turn 19 from 16,
I know those years with you were worth something,
no matter how hard you try to deny their existance.

lustlovelustloveinfatuationwillfadebutnotfastenough

you're the high without the dose
the rush without the smoke
and of course
the sex without the love

I don't need an outsider's help, thank you very much

if you're the one to destroy me
leave me be
I'm doing a damn fine job of it myself

graddaddy time, tell me a story

dear time
please tell me that the happiest years of my life
are not over
enfold me in your hours
show me the forever that I was promised

this is the eclipse of your life

in the dark
the shadows are playthings
and you can see everything that you never wanted to
but needed to.
this is where
and how
life slows
and you find out the dark you were warned about
isn't as scary as you always thought
and the bad that happens in it
can't hurt you anymore.
the iniation over,
the invitation is open
to not be blinded by the artificial light that pollutes
and accept the night eye that nature gave you.
this is what happens
when 1:59
is just a number
an allotted space in a time that you stopped belonging to
and just realized now.
this is
just one more
because you know it will hurt you
you know it will kill you
and you take it slow and enjoy the disease.
smile and listen to nothing
and let every light be the magic that it is
every sound the invasion that it was.

wish I realized this sooner but now it's too late

I could sleep with you
but being in love
is different than making it

after the love, the repentance

it hurts to know
that no matter how much love we make
it'll never be enough
to make you love me

always with the metaphors aren't we?

the prettiest puppets are held together with black coffee and determination
and are made to dance on threads of love
because the puppet master won't give them anything sturdier

absolutely carcinogenic

hand out
fingers clenching on unnecessary want
and grabbing hold
deep breath in
breathe out
head back
head rush that hits hard
and makes the world go soft
wobble and turn
smile
steal another away
and lose another thought
while making it one more night to forget

It's all just ancient history. Or was that world history?

yeah
you're probably going to be a mistake too
but you're the same mistake I've made before
so I don't feel too bad

the seductress

having someone love you at first sight
is so overdone
I'd rather the skill it takes to make them want you
and relish in my victories

more buried bones than the dogs know what to do with

you promised me
that some secrets could be mine
and all I did was accept the offer

one new experience, one new mistake

I love our mistake
even when I know it won't ever be anything other than
another happily-never-after for me

alwaysalways

I want to be beautiful for you
but there's all this in the way

No one ever listens anymore

I told you to make me jealous
not to break my heart

"I'm sorry" is the most pathetic excuse for a bandaid ever and a few drinks would work much, much better

no
you are too sweet to love me
yes
I am too bitter to love
maybe
I'll let you down easy
but yes
your heart will break
and no
you'll never trust a girl again

good god, I'm angry

do not ever doubt my power
I can wrap myself around one
and have them wrapped around my little finger
in less time than you'd ever believe
I can steal him away from you
have him give me everything he never gave you
and have him say everything you ever wanted him to say
so fuck off bitch

What a phrase forever is

all I ever did was love you
and all you ever did was save my life
all you ever said was forever
and now all I know is that you lied

it feels like this

up
up
and away
the picture perfect balloon girl
floating away into the clouds

too many thoughts about nothing

I hate the tippity-tappity thoughts
the ones that yell
unclean unsafe don't touch
and ask me if I can remember a time
when they weren't bouncing around
this full-of-empty head of mine

true

it's her name on your lips,
but mine in your thoughts.

It's all you ever do!

I think I miss you
until
we talk
or rather
you preen and let praise of yourself
drip drip drip
off your tongue

This is why I keep it all to myself and the pages before me

and I could let what's in my heart
                                                                                  out
but
who would be there just to listen
and not top the secret with their own?

I hate this cycle

I forget what full feels like
so I panic
grabbing, hoarding, consuming
and then I remember
and regret

desire of you

I really just want you to touch me
to hold me closer than others have,
and whisper exactly what they did into my ear
when you reach the point where you think you love me

Self centred people pleaser

you are too concerned with being the guy everyone loves
you need to spend more time
trying to be the guy that everyone likes first

If I could time travel, guess what I would never let happen?

when I've kissed the last set of lips goodbye
whose arms will find me next?
I've lost you so many times
Found you, loved you
and watched you disappear
again and again
I'm used to your habits
They are my own
We are the perfect match
that could never be
two ghosts
pitiful
and afraid that what we could have
will be nothing compared to what we did
will be nothing compared to what we already let go
I run away
Leap into the next bed
and always end up seeking you out
consoled by the familiarity
and knowing that I can only have you
for a little while
and that's okay
until I start to miss you

It's pathetic how often I check my phone

Recieved
1 Message
and I day dream
that it's from you
and I know
that it won't be

fickle hearts and melodies

I'm sorry
you waited too long
to play your love song for me
I heard another melody
followed it
and found another who played a better one

yum

I want to swallow your sunshine smile

love is not math

oh god
how my fingers scrabbled for my heart
(to hold it together?)
when I thought I was losing you
for not a single good goddamn reason

I didn't realize what a single weekend
plus a few hundred kisses
times absolute adoration equaled:
one crazy day
a rollercoaster of emotion
and depserate cravings to be in your arms above all

I'm going to miss you all night
all tomorrow
all this week
and all this weekend

I miss you when I'm not with you

nothing

I hate the slouch you get
when your eyes follow my prancing form
and realize that it doesn't belong to you
never did
and never will
What am I supposed to do?
Drop everything and devote myself to someone
that my entire being pushes away from?
It's not you,
it's not me,
it's not anything.
It never was anything.
We were never anything
no matter how much you wanted it to be.

puzzle

the perfect fit I find in your arms
shocks me each and every time
we lock together

perfect height
perfect fit
I've found my opposing puzzle piece

With me

you are so much better with me
and I think you finally realize it
now the only job left
is to never let you forget it

can I?

now's the time to
let me break your heart
you wanted a teacher
and I will teach you the most important lesson:
don't be naive

unlimited

power is control,
control is leverage,
leverage is knowing something that others don't.
what power do I have with this little secret of mine?

Mistress Miss

I am the mistress
queen of the quick meeting
quick touch
quick kiss
quick love at the drop of a hat
my kingdom is in your arms
arms that, when you release me,
will wrap as possessively around someone else.
I am forever the favourite
and never committed
who you will always come back to
and who you will always leave behind

lamb I am not

don't we all love to struggle
bleating out our reservations
our rationalizations
like the innocent lambs we are
white and pure
we are only stained by our emotions

tradition

teenage girls will forever fall for
the musician in the leather jacket
aren't you just convenient?

trickster

what can I do to make you jealous,
to make you play my favourite game?
can I
have a little bit of that one
sample this one
and curl myself around the one over there?
would that tarnish the silver of your tongue?

phrase II

I can read you like a book
because you're not as deep as you think you are

phrase I

the skeleton in the closet
is my own

alljustagame

dare you to love me
do you care to know who was you before you?

please

cage me in with your arms
turn me from tame to wild
subdue me with a kiss
turn my legs from flesh to water
tighten your grip on my waist
turn the space between us into nothing

againagainagain

I want another late night,
another empty street and
another kiss in the muted light of the streetlights

flattery

luxurious words
will fall from velvet tongues

involved

sweet music
coaxed out of hollow wood
made my heart sing

now it is my heart that has hollowed,
and I found your stumbling block

lusty

I will press close
against you
demanding
starving for love
and drowning in lust
your arms
my life-preserver

awesome

I am
just too close
not to kiss you
again

in the blink of an eye

maybe you were one to pass in the hall
un-noticed
granted a brief smile
a smile simply because you were

there is something so strange
seeing your face
knowing that it will
never go un-noticed
in a school hallway again
never be granted another smile
simply because you were
all because you
very simply
no longer are

Cliche Piece

I have never been so young and in love

as I was
with you.
I loved not wisely, but too well
blindly
and found out the hard way that misery loves company.
I told you too many times, too soon -
’til death do us part -
Making more noise in your ear than two skeletons making love on a tin roof
(the one experience I never had the pleasure of having
with you.)
You had love in your eyes but only lust in your heart
when you turned away,
leaving me alone to cry a river
of never-ending tears.
Words aren’t enough to describe what you put me through,
won’t ever be able to describe
how thin the line became between love, hate
and obsession
without you.

Need More

ex
plo
sion
s
that leave me more empty
and craving more

mmmmm #4

pilfer my mind
and seek out my mouth
I'm forgetting your name already
make me remember with your fingers

confession II

it's not something you can cure me of
the perfect addiction
can't survive without it
now can we?

but I always forget to remind myself
if you obsess
you worship
and really,
I shouldn't be eating gods

confession I

you just can't understand
or maybe you can
would you suspect me of this
but please,
let's not get distracted

confidence or aggression

all I ask
is that you never be afraid
and you make sure
to take exactly what it is you want
whenever you want.

One Year Ago

don't we all fall for the bastard
with the good looks
big hands
dark hair
eyes that smoulder
promising to burn if you get too close

[4]

you called me sweetie
and it just felt right

teehee

dare you to if you seek amy
purdy please?

time

oh time
where have you gone
I cracked open the hourglass
sifted through the sands of time
and paid no attention to what slipped through my fingers

mmmmm #3

so close to only twelve more days
I can curl my toes and almost be there

unbelievable

this is ridiculous
I shouldn't want you so badly
so much
I can't stop replaying old memories
new ones
little ones that only involved a simple touch
and the last one where my stomach swooped away from me
and my head followed it up into the clouds

The Trouble With Emails

emails were not to be saved
and read over and over and over
over over over
but I can't help myself

mmmmm #2

I would like to learn to love to kiss you
but you must give me a chance to do so

Gush

this will be called gush
and it is
a gush
an outpouring of all things trivial
that sweep through my brain
and leave it messyclumsy
it will go on and on
neverendlingly
there is much to say
and little time to say it:
sweet nothings whispered by a stranger
(who I'd like to get to know better)
chaste kisses from a friend
and a decision tainted by confusion
things that stay on my mind
swirling in melodies he played for me
eyes captured as notes poured through my ears
into my heart
alas, all I can think about,
exposed amidst ramblings
that turned out not to be much of a gushing of things
more like the mumbles that tumble
clumsy and wonderful
from a lover's mouth

did I distract you from the truth?

Hurry Home

I wish you would come back
now
sooner than soon
faster than the fast you promised me when you said you would hurry
because I miss you something awful
something that calls out and shakes me
telling me not to let you get away
not to leave this hanging
off the same cliff its been desperately clutching at for two years,
reaching out, pleadinglingy
I was never allowed to reach back
but I always wanted to
now that I can, we're both unsure of what to do
at least I was, until you were whisked away
and there wasn't even the reassurance of the fingers
gripping at the edge
futile but always there.
Hurry home and
I know that as soon as I can,
I will be holding on tight to those fingers.

mmmmm

I would kill to have to you myself
have you seduced and willing
and not afraid of your desire

Bach Suite No. 1 in G Major: A prelude?

I could just sink into this melody
maybe your arms too.

Reflections

Something about the way I purged the past
onto white lined sheets now disturbs me.
For what sick and tortured being was I,
someone, something, an unevolved beast
who merely considered evolution,
then tossed it away as unnecessary.

Someday, sometime soon,
I will purge myself of the purgings,
maybe freeing myself finally
by obliterating completely the beast within,
burning it alive and smudging the trash with its ashes.

A Thank You

you just cannot understand
in the slightest
how much your simple kindness
means to me.

I watched friends turn their heads,
and mere acquiantances become the arms I fell into
when I wasn't strong enough to stand on my own anymore
because the world weighed as much as a blackhole
and existed to me as nothing more.

thank you,
neverendingly
for everything
but mostly just for you
you, you and you

Sorting Through My Email..and Uncovering Ugly Pasts

I thought

for so long
that having you back
would be more than
this weak whisper of the past.

I prayed
for so long
that you would be there
and you would understand,
and guide me.

I had hoped
for so long
you had stepped away from the ledge,
that you were stable now,
and you'd show me how to get there
and maybe hold me when I did.

But it's not,
and I wish for
right now is
that you'd take the knife
out of my hands.

love thyself

thank god
(or whatever the fuck is out there)
that I don't need you
as much as I thought I did