My blood is all over your hands.
It has stained everything else.
For an eternity, I will be scrubbing.
Washing away the rusty stains.
They're everywhere; you can't deny it.
You fucked up bad.
And you took me down with you.
You bastard.
19.3.06
On Grade 9
She smiled hesitantly, shifting in the leather chair. As she looked down, her mass of curly hair concealed her face, hiding the emotion that threatened to escape. She looked back up and swallowed, preparing to talk again.
"It was all so long ago...and yet it's still affecting me. I think it's getting better now; I can talk to people about it...he...he really got inside my head. It's not so bad, that part at least...it's just, he...he really enjoyed fucking with me. With my head. He had me so that I would listen to what he had to say..."
She swallowed again, examining her shoe. She rubbed the pair of sneakers together nervously before talking again.
"He made me feel guilty for not being able to handle his problems, ontop of mine. I couldn't talk to him; that would make him feel worse. He was the troubled one; he needed to be protected! I...I actually though about it all in that way...he's very skilled at manipulation."
She chewed at her lip and smiled sheepishly.
"Now I've lost my train of thought...was...was I trying to make a point? I think...I was just rambling...I...I, uh, tend to do that...um, that a lot."
She smoothed a few non-existent wrinkles from her jeans. She looked up and smiled weakly, suddenly appearing frail and meek. Her eyes seemed to shift colours; from hazel to an iridescent green. Her face was pale, with large eyes that seemed to grow even larger. Her shoulders drooped as she began again, her voice quiet.
"He hurt me deliberately too. He'll only acknowledge that fact though, if we're fighting at the time. He likes to remind me who's in control...he knew exactly what he was doing. Oh, but he'll deny it, saying he didn't realize what...I guess I mean how...how they hurt me. His words. He would teach me his...his "lessons". He broke down my self esteem; called me a liar and a coward. I was a coward because I hid from the truth."
She smiled bitterly.
"It was always his truth. That I should listen to his problems and console him, no matter what. It would've worked perfectly, had I not had that opinions I did. They saved me. They were the only thing that kept me from relying on him completely. God knows why; he only ever was incredibly cruel...but..but there were times, and how he would try...we used to talk. When I first met him I suppose. You could say that we were close...hell, I had loved him at one point. A sweet, pure, absolutely blind love. I agreed with him on most thing, and made it very clear. I boosted his confidence, nurtured it...all I was doing was feeding a huge ego. It's sickening. He used me, someone used to trusting her elders and he used me! As a friend, as a lover...all because I knew how to bring him out of the gloom and make him feel good!"
She heard a pop and looked down in surprise. Her hands had been wringing themselves into a tangled mess. They had just succeeded in cracking her thumb knuckle. She shook her hand, testing the thumb, before laying them both placidly on her lap. She smiled, and this time it reached her eyes, hardening them. It was the beginning of her final statement.
"He hurt me. Deep. I won't ever forget, and most likely, ever forgive. I hate him for everything he's done. I hate the bastard! I'm just glad I can talk about it now, and not feel guilty. It's not my fault that I have problems too, and that I need to talk about them sometimes..."
She smiled again, cold and clipped.
"You know, I only ever stayed with him because I was so afraid of him taking his own life. In the form of suicide. He'd thought about it before, and he made sure that I knew that. He'd said a couple times that he'd die without me in his life. It was endearing until I actually sat down and thought about it. But I could only handle so much. Right? So I left. And look! I've left him, I'm gone, I'm out of his life. And what a surprise. He's still alive."
She got up and shook my hand, before walking out the door.
"I just hope that other people in this god damn world realize this. No one can oppress you, or control your life. Unless you let them."
"It was all so long ago...and yet it's still affecting me. I think it's getting better now; I can talk to people about it...he...he really got inside my head. It's not so bad, that part at least...it's just, he...he really enjoyed fucking with me. With my head. He had me so that I would listen to what he had to say..."
She swallowed again, examining her shoe. She rubbed the pair of sneakers together nervously before talking again.
"He made me feel guilty for not being able to handle his problems, ontop of mine. I couldn't talk to him; that would make him feel worse. He was the troubled one; he needed to be protected! I...I actually though about it all in that way...he's very skilled at manipulation."
She chewed at her lip and smiled sheepishly.
"Now I've lost my train of thought...was...was I trying to make a point? I think...I was just rambling...I...I, uh, tend to do that...um, that a lot."
She smoothed a few non-existent wrinkles from her jeans. She looked up and smiled weakly, suddenly appearing frail and meek. Her eyes seemed to shift colours; from hazel to an iridescent green. Her face was pale, with large eyes that seemed to grow even larger. Her shoulders drooped as she began again, her voice quiet.
"He hurt me deliberately too. He'll only acknowledge that fact though, if we're fighting at the time. He likes to remind me who's in control...he knew exactly what he was doing. Oh, but he'll deny it, saying he didn't realize what...I guess I mean how...how they hurt me. His words. He would teach me his...his "lessons". He broke down my self esteem; called me a liar and a coward. I was a coward because I hid from the truth."
She smiled bitterly.
"It was always his truth. That I should listen to his problems and console him, no matter what. It would've worked perfectly, had I not had that opinions I did. They saved me. They were the only thing that kept me from relying on him completely. God knows why; he only ever was incredibly cruel...but..but there were times, and how he would try...we used to talk. When I first met him I suppose. You could say that we were close...hell, I had loved him at one point. A sweet, pure, absolutely blind love. I agreed with him on most thing, and made it very clear. I boosted his confidence, nurtured it...all I was doing was feeding a huge ego. It's sickening. He used me, someone used to trusting her elders and he used me! As a friend, as a lover...all because I knew how to bring him out of the gloom and make him feel good!"
She heard a pop and looked down in surprise. Her hands had been wringing themselves into a tangled mess. They had just succeeded in cracking her thumb knuckle. She shook her hand, testing the thumb, before laying them both placidly on her lap. She smiled, and this time it reached her eyes, hardening them. It was the beginning of her final statement.
"He hurt me. Deep. I won't ever forget, and most likely, ever forgive. I hate him for everything he's done. I hate the bastard! I'm just glad I can talk about it now, and not feel guilty. It's not my fault that I have problems too, and that I need to talk about them sometimes..."
She smiled again, cold and clipped.
"You know, I only ever stayed with him because I was so afraid of him taking his own life. In the form of suicide. He'd thought about it before, and he made sure that I knew that. He'd said a couple times that he'd die without me in his life. It was endearing until I actually sat down and thought about it. But I could only handle so much. Right? So I left. And look! I've left him, I'm gone, I'm out of his life. And what a surprise. He's still alive."
She got up and shook my hand, before walking out the door.
"I just hope that other people in this god damn world realize this. No one can oppress you, or control your life. Unless you let them."
6.3.06
friend?
a friend,
i suppose you wouldn't have been this angry.
a good friend,
and you would've tried to talk to me.
a best friend,
you wouldn't be ignoring me.
the friend i thought you were,
and you would've forgiven me, after talking to me.
you would've realized that you can't ignore me.
and you most definitely would have accepted it
and maybe even had the guts
to tell me
what you thought...to my face.
i suppose you wouldn't have been this angry.
a good friend,
and you would've tried to talk to me.
a best friend,
you wouldn't be ignoring me.
the friend i thought you were,
and you would've forgiven me, after talking to me.
you would've realized that you can't ignore me.
and you most definitely would have accepted it
and maybe even had the guts
to tell me
what you thought...to my face.
Sweet Betrayals
o lovely harsh words
cut me up
inside
and as the blood leaks,
in great, fat drops,
in a crystal clear form.
o wonderful betrayals
turn those who were trusted
against me
let the pain come
and overwhelm
allow it to rule my life again.
o succlent agony
show me
through the dark
who are the ones who actually
will be there
for me
no matter what the choices
i choose to take.
cut me up
inside
and as the blood leaks,
in great, fat drops,
in a crystal clear form.
o wonderful betrayals
turn those who were trusted
against me
let the pain come
and overwhelm
allow it to rule my life again.
o succlent agony
show me
through the dark
who are the ones who actually
will be there
for me
no matter what the choices
i choose to take.
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