angry

one thing
I'd like to say
to a dumb bitch
who nevers knows the pain
she causes
and blames all others for the shit
that happens
so here's to you
miss fucker:

how would you know
this real me of me
when you've never been brave enough
to face it yourself
yes i'm pissed
who wouldn't be?
is it at you? yes.
at others who think the same way?
definitely.
at me?
of course.
like always.
because i really need other people
("friends")
to tell me again
what i've already told myself.

you managed to disppear at the perfect time
on that perfect night
when i was going to tell you my perfect secret
when we were perfectly young.
but you weren't there
so i told myself what you just did
and kept it as a fatal secret
a lonely girl
with no one to confide in.

and look how i turned out

suspicious

suspicious thoughts
constant
paranoia
protect at all costs
destroy if necessary

voyeur

hello pretty body
wandering eyes
skipping my face
heading straight for my tits
meandering to my ass
wouldn't you just love to touch?
i'll let you
really
let those wandering hands
head straight to my tits
meander to my ass
i'll let you touch
inexperienced
lovely fumblings
don't worry
it's all a great conquest to you
you wouldn't know the difference
pretty body
and you never will
i'm a lovely actor
and a pretty fake

more hurt

don't you think we should talk about this

i don't want to talk
only want to inflict
i want to hurt
eye for an eye
bleeding hurt for a bleeding hurt

i'll use my nails now,
just like you told me to
but the marks might not fade as quickly
and my lips won't be
the soft antidote anymore

the thing

i am the thing
the je ne sais pas
the voice that speaks
only when the conscience is stunned
into silence
the thing that cries
"what if"
and "why not"
when there are darker things
than normal to be experienced

excuses

i swallowed your final lie
i knew it wasn't
wouldn't be
if i let you

marshmallows

it rains in the city
pretty colours
yellow
green
pink
tiny sweet things
that fall
little marshmallows
but soon
the children grow sick
weary of devouring them
they long for honest rain
to quench a thirst
that grows
the adults grow fearful
there is no more space
for the marshmallows
they pile into great drifts
blocking doorways
concealing windows
they find the old ones trapped
and dead
the young ones cry out
they fear for themselves
the future
and what a pretty future it will be:
completely yellow
green
and pink

overflow

this spilling
rushing forth
undammed
fast now
uncontrolled
uncontrollable
faster still
crashing down
through rock
through barrier
through shield
to sink into bodies
to drown them in
something they have never felt:
emotion
or as close to it
as they'll ever get
until they feel death
and then regret
and sadness

something sick

thick layers of vanilla cake
smooth
delicate
tasty
knife passes through slowly
layer by layer
until the silky filling
becomes too liquid
and too red
it's all too warm now

hate you

i hate you
three words
that mean too much and too little
means that
you sicken me
when i think of how i loved you

all so wrong

and the stupid fool in the corner
the one with the smile and the tears
who cannot tell right from wrong
past from future
love from lust
has kissed the wrong face
held the wrong hand
and caressed accidentally
a heart that was never meant to beat

fade

sick of this fuzz
over my world
discerning what is real
what is not
something that happened
only yesterday
becoming a bleak and dismal memory
covered in gray
losing clarity
it is happening
all the time
are these experiences not my own?
am i forbidden to keep them?

No Pretty Thoughts

I used to craft beauty
through words
moulding them
to create the pretty thought
in your head

Now the words
want to form
sharp points
and remnants of fragile things

And I'm sure they will
for a little while longer.

And I will let them.

After Heartache Comes the Break

i can’t believe
that today
i fell head first
into your carefully concealed trap

as i felt my heart break
i knew the truth
as my eyes closed
i saw your act falter and the mask finally come away

You Broke It

don't blame you for breaking me
blame myself for letting it happen
blame you for lying that you did though.

Too Much

my heart
is achingly full
of love

I wonder:
when it will reach
its breaking point?

Types of Hearts

here is where I lay
old stone heart cracked
put to rest
to its grave
beside me

warm and caring was fine
until heartache came
ice was better
but melted at your smile,
only then to be stabbed by your words.
stone wasn't as strong as I thought it would be,
your actions slowly whittling away my shield
until something cracked
and left me woefully unwhole again

Don't care

maybe you have
something there
maybe you don't.

either way,
I wish you'd stop telling me about it.

tWiStEd

funny
how attractive
a seriously sick
person is

especially
when no one knows they're sick.

This is not another poem

I won't write a poem
to describe another heartache
or the hot acidity of
the tears that roll down
my cheeks,
tell-tale trails left
in the flushed skin

I won't write it to you,
cursing the ache in my chest
and blaming only myself

I won't blur the words
with tears

I won't.
I can't.
It would kill me.

Observation - People

your life is very narrow
like your mind

congratulations

dreaming

goodnight too-real world
I join the stars
swept up on a staircase
held aloft by dreams
the storms I will see now
are of nightmares.

Forgotten

I'm sure it was something
so abstract
that writing it down would've been
sacrilege

good thing I forgot.

Unusually Sweet

you call me,
with love,
your rose.

to me,
you are my thorn.

even as my beauty fades
you will never leave my side.

Try Harder You F*cker

Cute.
And a good try.
Unfortunately,
you are not the first
to try
and I am already bored
with this same routine
of betrayal.

Something Romantic

a sweet kiss in the sun
a quick snapshot of happy
the realization of real love
and the becoming of 'us'.
so many firsts
good and bad
but mostly beautiful.
one hand to hold,
two if I'm cold
delicate kisses
so as not to disturb
my dreaming
- in sleep or day -
of you

emo-TASTIC!

stain my world black
and tell me
it's looking bright out.

tell me that
your sympathy drenched cliches
are original

make me believe
that this'll be the last time

for a little while at least

Just words

pink
fresh
delicate
fairy
roses
trampled

Need You

I'll admit
I need your sympathy
I need your hand
to wipe these tears,
I need your voice
to reassure me,
I need your eyes
to witness my pain,
I need your ears
so that I can tell you how this feels.

I need your heart
to remember how my head feels,
buried into your chest.
I need your arms
to shield me
from betrayals.

I need you
as my second half,
to replace the bits of me
that have been so brutally destroyed.

Observation - Orchestra

frozen in the
rigor-mortis of concentration
they are alive as stone.

something

tiny and
small

insignificant

big enough for me to feel it
the pea under my mattress

the tears on my pillow

Skeletons

I'm sure one day
you'll find it out.

My skeleton in the closet
will have light shone onto its bones.

You will find and take
the key to my heart of hearts.

The clue,
a single damn stain.

Decisions, decisions

fuck you heart
break me open
sew me shut
and then rip out the stitches
while they're still raw.

yank me around
i'm used to it by now.

make your choice
pick one
and stop driving me mad
with thoughts of the other.

i can't care anymore.

A New Writer's Block

I can't write.
My hand cramps,

I'm not holding a pencil.

Maybe it's still lying half way across the room.
(where I threw it no less than an hour ago)

Oh well.

There's something here
Substantial.
Blocking the flow of words.
If they don't escape,
they putrify,
sickening me.
They have to escape
in order for me to escape.

But this block.
It's something stuck in my throat.
If I can't speak what I want to write,
my hand refuses to move.

Maybe this block is
inhibition
jammed down my throat.

Unfortunate.
I think.

...

suffocating
deafening
heart beat in my head
throbs
consumes my being
me
eaten alive
my lungs crying out
clawing out
leaving burning
a hungry fire
ready to be fed
to eat me
already eaten my eyes
dined
dashed
left black dots
holes
they grow
eating away all on their own
i'm so proud
i could cry
but i'm gagging
choking
lungs are eating and choking
me
leaving nothing
but a heart beat